You are a good mom.

This is going to be a short post. I just wanted to say something for all those moms out there. It doesn't matter if you breast feed, formula feed, cry it out, attachment parenting, make your own baby food or use gerber baby food. If you love your kids, and you give them that love, you are a good mom!

This is one of the things I have struggled with this past year. I realized that instead of focusing on why I'm such a horrible mommy, and instead of comparing myself to other moms, I need to focus on my kids needs, and better myself, without being hard on myself.

We are all doing our best. You're kids won't know that you have them store bought non organic snacks growing up! They will remember the fun times!!! Let's all be a little less hard on ourselves!

Me.

I'm Chelsy. I'm a mommy of two littles, and a wife to an accountant. I'm the Primary Secretary for my church. I'm a bubbly, fun loving person, who wears my emotions on my sleeves. The last year or so has been hard, and I'm sick of keeping my emotions all to myself, until I explode and cry for hours. I want to document the good, the bad, and the ugly. This blog is for me.

Background.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a mom. I was THE BEST baby sitter around (seriously though, ask anyone!) and couldn't wait to start my own family some day. Three years ago, I became a mother, of a sweet little boy named J. Because my husband was finishing school, I had to work the first 18 months of his little life. I counted the days until I could be a stay at home mom. When J was a year old, we decided to try for our second. Little did we know, it wouldn't take much "trying".

The time finally came, I quit my job, moved out of state for hubby's job, and became a stay at home mom. I wasn't sure I could ever be any happier.

Fast forward a few months, to when my daughter O was born. We struggled, her and I. I made too much milk, she didn't empty the ducts, she threw up constantly, I became infected constantly. I was in and out of doctors appointments just TRYING so hard to make nursing work for us. I felt the pressure of "being a good mom" and felt I HAD to nurse. Finally, at 6 weeks, I decided to call it quits, and give the little O formula. This is when it began. I felt like I had failed. I was a terrible mother, and hated talking about it. Little miss O also continued to throw up, and cry, all day every day.

I started becoming more and more depressed, and finally I talked to my doctor, and went on an anti depressant. I gained 15 pounds in a month. Nothing like gaining weight when you're already so depressed to help your self esteem huh?

We moved into a beautiful home, and continued onto our lives. I stopped taking the anti depressant, and convinced myself I was fine. I pretended when I was around others. But, the truth was, at home, I just went deeper and deeper into my own depression.

Parenting 2 under two is hard. I honestly felt (and sometimes still do feel) like I am the worst mother ever. I am ashamed that I can't figure it out, especially because all I ever wanted to do growing up was be a mom. I cried almost every day. I didn't understand WHY it wasn't coming easily to me. I have friends who seem to have it together, and make it look so easy, so why was I struggling so much? Why were there days that I hated being a mom?

I continued to feel guilt about it, and continued into a spiral of depression. But, pretended like I was fine. Even to my own husband, I pretended.

Over the last few months, I've felt like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. I've watched as my family has fallen apart. I've watched people I love hurt by their own family. I've had family say HORRIBLE things about me. I've watched my parents slowly fall apart, while trying to keep a strong front for us. And on top of all that, I've been overwhelmed with the sicknesses in our home. J has literally been sick since September, and our medical bills are racking up.

So, until recently, I've been mad. I've been LIVID. How can Heavenly Father just sit back and let people feel this way? How can he let people be so cruel? I've started blaming Heavenly Father for my struggles, instead of turning to him for help. There have been some low moments, moments I'm ashamed to admit. How I was in such a dark place, I was honestly feeling like my family deserved better. My kids deserved a better mom. I made plans to run away. To leave my life, and let them have a better life without me.

I do realize now, that I was dealing with everything in the wrong way. I need to turn to Heavenly Father. I've lost my way, and need to work on building my relationship with Him back up.

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

I need Him if I'm going to get through the darkness.

So, Heavenly Father, I'm turning to you. I need you.